Don't You Dare Quit Singing

I write this tonight as I battle a bit of insomnia.  I seem to fight this battle pretty frequently these days.  I know it is a spiritual battle, but I also know that it is physical.  Grief is hard on your body and mind.  It just takes a toll that you never imagined.

I was trying to sleep tonight, but a song kept running through my head.  You know?  A song.  THE song.  We all have a song, but for the last few months I have had a song that has just been my anthem. In case you haven't  heard it, I highly recommend downloading "Victor's Crown" by Darlene Zschech.  Our choir is about to sing it, and I am convinced that this song is going to be powerful.  There is a little history behind this song for me.

A year ago this September I attended a conference with my dear friend, Beth.  During one of the worship sessions Darlene Zschech sang a new song called Victor's Crown.  I was so captivated by the words of this song that I just stood there.  I searched for it and couldn't find it.  She sang it one more time the next day, and I had my iPhone ready to record it.  I took the rough recording back home and shared it with my music minister.  I rarely do that, but this song ministered so much to me in those moments that I had to share it.  As soon as it was released on a CD I bought it, and I never by CDs anymore.  I am delighted to say the music appeared in our choir room a few weeks ago!

The conference was almost right at four months after our son had passed away.  I was still reeling.  I was on autopilot a good bit of the time.  When I wasn't on autopilot I was a mess!  Sometimes I look back to a year ago and wonder how I survived, and then I know.  There is a line in the song that says, "By your grace I live and breathe to worship you."  That is my favorite line.  Those few words have become my anthem.  It is His grace that has covered me through every dark moment.  It is His grace that had enabled me to sing His praises in the valleys.  It might not always be pretty, but I can squeak it out.  I won't lie.  This spring has been hard.  I never thought that a year later would be harder than a year ago, but it has been.  I miss my boy.  I miss him terribly.

I was reminded tonight of a few words that were spoken to me at Brad's visitation.  Three  people told me the same thing.  One of the people was one of Brad's friends.  He looked at me and said, "Don't you dare quit singing."  I was just stunned.  I wasn't even thinking about singing, but this young man knew exactly what I would need to hear in my head over the next few weeks and months.  There have been times during the last year that I thought I couldn't drag myself out of bed much less sing, but every time I felt that way God has been faithful to hold me up and preserve me.  Those words that were spoken at just the right time would mean more to me than I knew at the time.  Because I sing, my mind automatically went to singing in public, but that wasn't the whole picture.  After the funeral, I couldn't read, and frankly, it was hard to pray, but I could listen to music, and I could sing.  I count it a miracle that I could get any words out.  In the grand scheme of things, I think that is what his words were about.  I believe that they meant, "Don't you dare quit singing in the car, in your home, and over your children!"  That is the main reason God gave us our voices.  He loves to hear His children sing, and He is worthy of our praises even in the valleys!  I even grin a little bit sometimes because I think satan runs shrieking when God's children begin to praise.  I also know that music can be healing.

So, tonight I hope you have a song to sing.  If you don't have a song, I recommend this one.  I am attaching the link at the bottom for you to enjoy.  This song had brought so much peace and comfort to me, and I hope it does to you.  Find a song to sing, and, my friends, "Don't you dare quit singing!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2nBOGA6X2g&feature=youtu.be

              Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens!^[a]
 Praise him for his mighty deeds;
    praise him according to his excellent greatness!

 Praise him with trumpet sound;
    praise him with lute and harp!
 Praise him with tambourine and dance;
    praise him with strings and pipe!
 Praise him with sounding cymbals;
    praise him with loud clashing cymbals!
 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord  

Psalm 150

Gracie

Gracie came to us on a drizzly spring afternoon.  At eleven years old she was no spring chicken.  Her story wasn't pretty.  Her owners had gotten her from a rescue league.  Before that she had the mange and was left tied to a tree.  We think she was probably used as a puppy mill.  Her people couldn't care for her anymore, and as luck would have it her people lived next to my sister who might outrank me as the biggest sucker out there when it comes to animals.  We had lost our second Labrador about six months earlier, and I was not planning on getting another dog.  When my sister called I knew I had to take this dog.  After years of living there my sister, Shannon, and her husband, Scott, had been surrogate parents to Gracie.  Every time it thundered she landed on their porch.  The claw marks are still on their front door to prove it.  Gracie spent many a night on their couch.  

I picked Gracie up that afternoon, and I know her people were sad. We were leaving for spring break the next day, so we boarded Gracie, told the vet to check her out, and home I went to tell Spencer we had a new dog.  My long-suffering husband took one look at me and said, "You know something has to be wrong with her."  I just hate it when he's right!  When we got home from vacation the vet told us Gracie had heartworms.  Without treatment she would die, but with treatment she could die too.  She was old.  This was her second round of heartworms.  My husband so willingly shelled out the money for her treatment, and Gracie made it through just fine.  I thought we would be lucky if we got two years out of Gracie.  Little did I know we would get a little more than four. 

For the last four years Gracie has been part of our family.  My sister called her Apostle Gracie.  Everyone who met her loved her.  I rarely heard her bark.  She never whined.  She never met a person she didn’t like.  She was famous for chomping her teeth and swiping you when she wanted petting.  She won our hearts quickly.  She followed me everywhere.  A little over a year ago our son passed away.  By this time Gracie was fourteen.  She was old and tired, but she knew when I was having a bad day.  I can’t explain how, but she knew.  She would lounge by the couch when I didn’t feel like moving, and sometimes if she felt up to it, she would climb up with me.  I know that she wasn’t human, but she knew how to be a quiet companion. 

Last week Gracie’s body finally could not take anymore, and we had to put her to sleep.  It was time.  I sat on the floor in the vet and held her head as she passed and cried like a baby.  I know that some people won’t understand this, but the passing of a loved pet just leaves a little hole in your heart.  I take comfort in knowing that Gracie’s last four years were good.  She was loved.  She was protected.  She brought so much life and joy to our family.  There is nothing like the love of a dog.  We are all better for having known Gracie.

My Old Testament professor was trying to delicately tread the line on animals in heaven one night a few years ago, and he said something I will never forget.  He said, “If you need your dog in Heaven for it to be a perfect place, then your animal will be there.”  Now, I don’t claim to know the theology of that statement, but I like it.  I know whose face I want to see first when I hit Heaven’s gates, but right behind him I hope to see a Golden Retriever chomping at me for a good petting.

“Whoever is righteous had regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked it cruel.”  Proverbs 12:10

One Year Later

As most of you know our son, Brad, passed away one year ago this evening.  I have spent the last few days dreading today.  There is no road map for grief.  There is no time frame for healing.  I decided busy would be best, so we planned on going to a theme park, get out of town for a few days, and spend some time with family.  The park was closed, so I took a trip to the Delta with my mom and sisters.  Reed went to work with Spencer.  All in all it was a fairly calm day, and I think Brad would have wanted that.  We remembered him today like we remember him every day.  We missed him today like we miss him every day.  After a full day I am curled up behind my computer with all these memories running through my head.  I am thankful for the memories.  I am thankful that every time I think of him I see his smile.

A year seems like eternity when you miss someone you love, yet I know that in short time a year will seem like a minute.  I am super tired, but I felt compelled to write down a few things.

"Thank You" to my friends and family.  I love you all.  Our family is where we are today because of God's grace and because of the people who have stood beside us this past year.  We couldn't have made it without you, and "thank you" doesn't scratch the surface of the outpouring of love we have received.

There are so many things I don't understand.  I am making peace with the fact that I might not understand certain things this side of Heaven, but there are a few things that have been cemented in my spirit and soul over this last year.  God is good.  He really is good.  He loves us.  He loves you.  God is bigger than I ever knew!  He has shown himself so faithful to us during this journey.  He is faithful, always!  He never leaves us.

I am more convinced than ever that we fight an enemy who won't stop, so we have to be ready to fight.  Passive doesn't work where Satan is concerned.   It will take an all out war to save this generation.  I know that my God is up for this fight, and we need to be ready, prayed up, read up, and armored up at all times.

God has a plan for our family.  Some days it is one step, one breath, one minute at a time.  It seems like I am following blindly some days, but I am confident that He has a plan for us.  He will see it through.  He will complete it.  If you see any hint of this in me, it is God.  Behind closed doors I have my moments like any mom would.

I am learning that grief and healing are not two separate things.  Are we healing?  Yes.  Are we still grieving?  Yes.  The loss of a child is a wound that will leave a big scar.  It's not a scratch.  It is a gaping wound that takes time to heal, and when you feel like you are doing great the grief will hit when you least expect it.  A voice, a sound, or a smell can stir up so many emotions.  Brad is still our child.  He always will be.  There is a part of us that will always miss him.  I think that is normal.

Praise!  For months I couldn't read, but I could listen to preaching and praise!  I believe that the demons of hell can't stand praise.  They run screeching from it!  My song might not always be beautiful, but to God it is, and whether I feel it or not He is always worthy of my praise.  When nothing else works, turn on the praise music.  We were created to praise Him.  Don't let the rocks do your job!  King David praised God in unimaginable circumstances.  He was being chased, hiding in caves, and running for his life.  Certainly, I can praise Him in my circumstances.

Last but not least, we have so much to be thankful for even though we are walking through difficult days.  We have family, friends, and a Savior who loves us.  We have sweet children, a nice home, cars, clothes, food, clean water, and an endless list of other things that many people don't have.  I am thankful for a Christian counselor who lets me spill my guts with no judgement and doctors who have more knowledge than I have on how to handle a mom who is missing her son so much that getting out of the bed seems like too much to ask.  Most importantly we have the hope of an eternity in Heaven at the feet of our Savior and with our son.  For that I am more than grateful.

I love you, friends!  Thank you for walking this path with us.  Thank you for sticking with us through good days and bad days.  Thank you for loving us and showing us Jesus.  We love our crew very much!  We are a blessed family!

                

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
 2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
 6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

 7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
 8 The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 121