Two Baskets

You hear that the “firsts” are the hardest. The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first Mother’s Day. The firsts after losing someone you love are just brutal. For the most part we limped through those firsts with the help of some of the best people who loved us fiercely and a heaping dose of the Lord’s grace. I anticipated that the firsts would come with a roller coaster of emotions, but there were things  that first year that would end up stopping me in my tracks like I never expected. Like two baskets.

One of my favorite things about Easter is my role as the Easter Bunny. Not everyone appreciates that tradition, but I absolutely love stuffing Easter baskets. I’ve been doing it now for 24 years, and love it still. What I didn’t anticipate during that first year was how hard it would be to go from three baskets to two. We had already made it through multiple holidays with an empty chair at the table and a stocking that went unfilled, but the empty basket brought with it a wave of grief for which I was totally unprepared. Every year at this time I look at that third basket on the shelf, and the range of emotions that washes over me still brings me to my knees.

Almost seven years ago we suffered a loss so profound we didn’t know how we would recover. We knew we would never be the same. But by God’s grace, and with the love and support of his people we grieved, and we began the slow journey toward healing. It wasn’t pretty. We have a limp, scars that seem like they are barely holding at times, and we’ve met with some strong disapproval, but we have managed to move forward with the healing process.  Just when we thought we could come up for a breath I’m pretty sure Satan himself snarled, “How dare they!” And a few years after we buried our son, he picked up right where he left off...kicking our family in the teeth. Seven years ago, Satan dealt our family what he thought was literally a death blow, but we dared to stagger back to our feet, wounded, weary, and bleeding, but confident that Christ could and would rescue our family if we would call on Him. So, we did. But I made a grave mistake. I thought we had been through the worst Satan could throw at us. I thought certainly we were safe, exempt from more heartbreak. So Satan saw an open door. He saw a family beginning to heal. Even worse, he saw a family having an impact for the Kingdom of Christ, and he launched an all-out assault on our family that I never saw coming. He used people we trusted which made it more devastating. We were blindsided.

Last week, I was sitting in bed before church talking to Spencer. I was telling him that it felt like the fiery darts kept coming at intervals so close it was hard to catch my breath. I was tired. The kind of tired that is more than physical. It’s a tired that invades your mind and your spirit. But I showered and got ready for church, because I love Palm Sunday. During worship we sang one of my favorite songs. The lyrics washed over me. “We will not be moved when the earth gives way for the risen One has overcome...And for every fear there’s an empty grave for the risen One has overcome.” I stood there thinking, “This is it. It feels like the earth is giving way. I’ve been here before.” But, here’s the deal. I have been here before. On the night our son died I felt like the earth was shifting under my feet, and I couldn’t stop it. I felt like this for weeks and months. It was like being stuck in quicksand. Our world was literally spinning out of control, but the God who knows when a sparrow falls was faithful when we called on him. He was faithful to hold us and carry us when our world was crumbling. And last week I was reminded again that no matter how bad things look He is still in the business of taking care of his people. He is still on his throne. He is not surprised or caught off guard. He’s got this.

 This world is full of hard stuff. I am not the only momma who has buried her child. You might be in the middle of a situation that seems hopeless right now. You might have one less Easter basket to fill this year or one less chair at your table, your child or a your spouse might be dealing with addiction, your marriage might be in trouble, your child might be far from Jesus, you might have experienced betrayal by a family member or friend, you might be ill, you might be longing for a child,  or you might be facing any number of devastating circumstances that you can’t control. Whatever it is you can feel the earth shifting under your feet, and you’re starting to wonder if you’re ever going to regain your footing.

As this Good Friday comes to a close let me take a minute to encourage you. Somewhere close to 2,000 years ago (give or take a few years) a perfect sacrifice chose to take my place and your place on a cross. He knew exactly where we would be tonight, and he chose those nails anyway. He loves us so much, and he has a purpose for us even for our suffering. He knew where we would succeed. He knew where we would fail miserably. He knew we would be a fickle, needy bunch, and he chose us anyway. He promises all throughout scripture that He will never leave us or forsake us. Psalm 18:2 says, “The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.” This is how we regain our footing when we feel the earth giving way beneath us. We choose to trust in the Rock of our Salvation. We run for that high place. We stand on the promises in his Word. We cling to them, and we don’t let go. We flood our homes with worship. We fight on our knees. And at the end of the day we rest knowing that the  God who loved us enough to die in our place has won whatever battle we are facing. Y’all, it’s Friday, but unlike the disciples on this night, we don’t have to wonder. We know the rest of the story. We don’t have to sit here tonight, hunkered down, fretting, wondering how our story will end. We get to confidently celebrate a risen Savior who promises to hold us steady when the world around us is crumbling if we will just trust him. Because of the work done on the cross and the empty tomb we know that one day soon these temporary troubles will give way to a perfect eternity. In the meantime, we hold fast to the One who causes all things, even the things we think we can’t endure, to work together for good. And Praise God for that!

                                     

I Am Not Alone

As most of you know today marks the second anniversary of our son Brad's heavenly home going.  Today is the last day that we saw his smiling face.  I was afraid for so long that his face would fade from my memory, but it hasn't.  It won't.   No matter how you phrase it we are still in the process of grieving and healing.  Mother's Day of 2013 was fine.  Mother's Day of 2014 wasn't.  I have come to believe that grief is an odd phenomenon.  It manifests at different times and in different ways for all of us who have experienced the death of a loved one.

This past year has included some uphill struggles for us.  I think that is very normal.  As time stretches on the nature of the struggles change, but they are still present.  I went back to work for a little while, but the 12-plus-hour shifts were more than I was ready to tackle, so I went back to school to keep my brain working.  It was very bothersome not to be up to working in my unit.  I fit well there.  I love the work, but my body was just too tired to handle it.  I had to embrace my new limit, and I am not sure I did it well.  I miss my unit.  I am thinking it is about time to go back to work, but I wonder if I can hold up to the pressures of my job.

I am still learning during this process.   I have been following closely the ministry of Rick and Kay Warren.  I realize that there are some of you who might not care for them, but their ministry through their very public time of grief has touched me.  Kay wrote an article recently that beautifully put into words what we feel as life moves on.  For the full article click here. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/march-web-only/kay-warren-grieving-mental-illness-suicide-saddleback.html?paging=off  They were approaching the one-year mark of the death of their son, and much to their surprise people who they counted as friends were telling them they should be ready to "move on."  The comments made her question whether or not she was "grieving well" and wounded her deeply.  She admitted that while they were moving forward they sometimes took steps back.  Their friends wanted the old Rick and Kay back, and to that she said, "They are gone."  I think we understand that all too well.  Here are a few lines from Kay's article that resonated with me:

"The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”"

I have seen the truest friends and "helpers."  I don't have one true friend who has made me feel like I was a failure if I was having a tough day.  The few that have mean well, but they are also outer edge acquaintances who were just trying to help.  Sometimes it is hard to know what to say to a grieving parent, so I hope we have given grace in those moments.  Our true friends have just loved us and cried with us.  They would be here right this minute it we needed them.  We will never be the same again, and our friends "get" that.  They have been ok with our mess and continue to show us great mercy!  For that we are forever thankful.  

Reed graduated from high school Sunday, and we are so proud of him.  He has turned into a solid, kind, wise young man.  We are so proud of him!  But it was just another day for which his brother was not there.  Those days are just gut wrenching.  You are so happy for your son, but you can't help but miss the one who should have walked across that stage the previous year.  I know that his brother and sister are missing him too.  

I write this on a balcony overlooking a gorgeous beach this morning as the girls are sleeping.  Spencer and Reed are in the car headed down here to join us for a few days.  It is not lost on me that the friend Julianne chose to bring with her has walked her own road of grief.  Her mother passed away when she was young.  Her dad remarried a beautiful woman who has taken his kids in like they were hers, and I honor her for that.  On the way to the beach she said the me, "Mrs. Kristin, you want to hear my favorite song that I want to sing in church if the old people won't get mad?"  Of course I wanted to!  She plugged in my iPhone and pulled up "Oceans" by Hillsong United. Here is part of what she sang: 

     "Your grace abounds in deepest waters

       Your sovereign hand will be my guide

        Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

         You never failed and you won't start now"   

I listened to this child who had buried her mom sing this song to me and cried.  She sang to me what I needed to hear, but I'm not sure she fully realized how God was using her and will use her in the future to minister to other girls in her situation.  I told her to sing the song.  The old people can deal.  This child is truly an example of God's grace and healing power.  She is blooming.  She is joyful.  Isn't that the way God works?

The past year has been a roller coaster containing a lot of peaks and valleys that sometimes came flying at us way too fast, but it has been yet another year where our Father has been found faithful even though we are still in the midst of the storm.  He was faithful even when we were not.  Storms have different durations, and I wake up every day hoping our storm has passed.  Some days it has, but then there are those days where the clouds come rolling back in.  Even then, our God is faithful.  So are our friends.  

I have a new song that I love.  I have been listening to it for weeks.  If you get a minute I would buy this song and download it.  I can't find a clip of Kari singing it because it is so new, but here are some of the lyrics that speak:

                                                  
                                                "In the midst of deep sorrow

 I see your light is breaking through

 The dark night will not over take me

I am pressing into you

Lord you fight my every battle

And I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me"

What a promise that in the midst of the deep sorrows, the dark nights, the overwhelming floods, and the scorching fires our God goes before us.  He makes a way where we think there is no way.  He fights our battles for us.  Isaiah 59:19 says, "When the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him."  A standard in the Bible was a banner that was carried at the front point of a military band to indicate the rallying point.  The Lord promises to be our rallying point against our enemies.  I can't think of a better banner lifter.  Can you?  Sometimes we don't have the energy to lift that banner, but He always does.  

We are still here, friends.  We are still broken, but we are mending.  We love you all and are so thankful for your unwavering support.  We are very thankful and so very humbled to have such gracious friends who have come beside us and loved us even when we weren't pretty!  

Much love and grace to you from the Scoggins crew!  

Don't You Dare Quit Singing

I write this tonight as I battle a bit of insomnia.  I seem to fight this battle pretty frequently these days.  I know it is a spiritual battle, but I also know that it is physical.  Grief is hard on your body and mind.  It just takes a toll that you never imagined.

I was trying to sleep tonight, but a song kept running through my head.  You know?  A song.  THE song.  We all have a song, but for the last few months I have had a song that has just been my anthem. In case you haven't  heard it, I highly recommend downloading "Victor's Crown" by Darlene Zschech.  Our choir is about to sing it, and I am convinced that this song is going to be powerful.  There is a little history behind this song for me.

A year ago this September I attended a conference with my dear friend, Beth.  During one of the worship sessions Darlene Zschech sang a new song called Victor's Crown.  I was so captivated by the words of this song that I just stood there.  I searched for it and couldn't find it.  She sang it one more time the next day, and I had my iPhone ready to record it.  I took the rough recording back home and shared it with my music minister.  I rarely do that, but this song ministered so much to me in those moments that I had to share it.  As soon as it was released on a CD I bought it, and I never by CDs anymore.  I am delighted to say the music appeared in our choir room a few weeks ago!

The conference was almost right at four months after our son had passed away.  I was still reeling.  I was on autopilot a good bit of the time.  When I wasn't on autopilot I was a mess!  Sometimes I look back to a year ago and wonder how I survived, and then I know.  There is a line in the song that says, "By your grace I live and breathe to worship you."  That is my favorite line.  Those few words have become my anthem.  It is His grace that has covered me through every dark moment.  It is His grace that had enabled me to sing His praises in the valleys.  It might not always be pretty, but I can squeak it out.  I won't lie.  This spring has been hard.  I never thought that a year later would be harder than a year ago, but it has been.  I miss my boy.  I miss him terribly.

I was reminded tonight of a few words that were spoken to me at Brad's visitation.  Three  people told me the same thing.  One of the people was one of Brad's friends.  He looked at me and said, "Don't you dare quit singing."  I was just stunned.  I wasn't even thinking about singing, but this young man knew exactly what I would need to hear in my head over the next few weeks and months.  There have been times during the last year that I thought I couldn't drag myself out of bed much less sing, but every time I felt that way God has been faithful to hold me up and preserve me.  Those words that were spoken at just the right time would mean more to me than I knew at the time.  Because I sing, my mind automatically went to singing in public, but that wasn't the whole picture.  After the funeral, I couldn't read, and frankly, it was hard to pray, but I could listen to music, and I could sing.  I count it a miracle that I could get any words out.  In the grand scheme of things, I think that is what his words were about.  I believe that they meant, "Don't you dare quit singing in the car, in your home, and over your children!"  That is the main reason God gave us our voices.  He loves to hear His children sing, and He is worthy of our praises even in the valleys!  I even grin a little bit sometimes because I think satan runs shrieking when God's children begin to praise.  I also know that music can be healing.

So, tonight I hope you have a song to sing.  If you don't have a song, I recommend this one.  I am attaching the link at the bottom for you to enjoy.  This song had brought so much peace and comfort to me, and I hope it does to you.  Find a song to sing, and, my friends, "Don't you dare quit singing!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2nBOGA6X2g&feature=youtu.be

              Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens!^[a]
 Praise him for his mighty deeds;
    praise him according to his excellent greatness!

 Praise him with trumpet sound;
    praise him with lute and harp!
 Praise him with tambourine and dance;
    praise him with strings and pipe!
 Praise him with sounding cymbals;
    praise him with loud clashing cymbals!
 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord  

Psalm 150

Gracie

Gracie came to us on a drizzly spring afternoon.  At eleven years old she was no spring chicken.  Her story wasn't pretty.  Her owners had gotten her from a rescue league.  Before that she had the mange and was left tied to a tree.  We think she was probably used as a puppy mill.  Her people couldn't care for her anymore, and as luck would have it her people lived next to my sister who might outrank me as the biggest sucker out there when it comes to animals.  We had lost our second Labrador about six months earlier, and I was not planning on getting another dog.  When my sister called I knew I had to take this dog.  After years of living there my sister, Shannon, and her husband, Scott, had been surrogate parents to Gracie.  Every time it thundered she landed on their porch.  The claw marks are still on their front door to prove it.  Gracie spent many a night on their couch.  

I picked Gracie up that afternoon, and I know her people were sad. We were leaving for spring break the next day, so we boarded Gracie, told the vet to check her out, and home I went to tell Spencer we had a new dog.  My long-suffering husband took one look at me and said, "You know something has to be wrong with her."  I just hate it when he's right!  When we got home from vacation the vet told us Gracie had heartworms.  Without treatment she would die, but with treatment she could die too.  She was old.  This was her second round of heartworms.  My husband so willingly shelled out the money for her treatment, and Gracie made it through just fine.  I thought we would be lucky if we got two years out of Gracie.  Little did I know we would get a little more than four. 

For the last four years Gracie has been part of our family.  My sister called her Apostle Gracie.  Everyone who met her loved her.  I rarely heard her bark.  She never whined.  She never met a person she didn’t like.  She was famous for chomping her teeth and swiping you when she wanted petting.  She won our hearts quickly.  She followed me everywhere.  A little over a year ago our son passed away.  By this time Gracie was fourteen.  She was old and tired, but she knew when I was having a bad day.  I can’t explain how, but she knew.  She would lounge by the couch when I didn’t feel like moving, and sometimes if she felt up to it, she would climb up with me.  I know that she wasn’t human, but she knew how to be a quiet companion. 

Last week Gracie’s body finally could not take anymore, and we had to put her to sleep.  It was time.  I sat on the floor in the vet and held her head as she passed and cried like a baby.  I know that some people won’t understand this, but the passing of a loved pet just leaves a little hole in your heart.  I take comfort in knowing that Gracie’s last four years were good.  She was loved.  She was protected.  She brought so much life and joy to our family.  There is nothing like the love of a dog.  We are all better for having known Gracie.

My Old Testament professor was trying to delicately tread the line on animals in heaven one night a few years ago, and he said something I will never forget.  He said, “If you need your dog in Heaven for it to be a perfect place, then your animal will be there.”  Now, I don’t claim to know the theology of that statement, but I like it.  I know whose face I want to see first when I hit Heaven’s gates, but right behind him I hope to see a Golden Retriever chomping at me for a good petting.

“Whoever is righteous had regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked it cruel.”  Proverbs 12:10

One Year Later

As most of you know our son, Brad, passed away one year ago this evening.  I have spent the last few days dreading today.  There is no road map for grief.  There is no time frame for healing.  I decided busy would be best, so we planned on going to a theme park, get out of town for a few days, and spend some time with family.  The park was closed, so I took a trip to the Delta with my mom and sisters.  Reed went to work with Spencer.  All in all it was a fairly calm day, and I think Brad would have wanted that.  We remembered him today like we remember him every day.  We missed him today like we miss him every day.  After a full day I am curled up behind my computer with all these memories running through my head.  I am thankful for the memories.  I am thankful that every time I think of him I see his smile.

A year seems like eternity when you miss someone you love, yet I know that in short time a year will seem like a minute.  I am super tired, but I felt compelled to write down a few things.

"Thank You" to my friends and family.  I love you all.  Our family is where we are today because of God's grace and because of the people who have stood beside us this past year.  We couldn't have made it without you, and "thank you" doesn't scratch the surface of the outpouring of love we have received.

There are so many things I don't understand.  I am making peace with the fact that I might not understand certain things this side of Heaven, but there are a few things that have been cemented in my spirit and soul over this last year.  God is good.  He really is good.  He loves us.  He loves you.  God is bigger than I ever knew!  He has shown himself so faithful to us during this journey.  He is faithful, always!  He never leaves us.

I am more convinced than ever that we fight an enemy who won't stop, so we have to be ready to fight.  Passive doesn't work where Satan is concerned.   It will take an all out war to save this generation.  I know that my God is up for this fight, and we need to be ready, prayed up, read up, and armored up at all times.

God has a plan for our family.  Some days it is one step, one breath, one minute at a time.  It seems like I am following blindly some days, but I am confident that He has a plan for us.  He will see it through.  He will complete it.  If you see any hint of this in me, it is God.  Behind closed doors I have my moments like any mom would.

I am learning that grief and healing are not two separate things.  Are we healing?  Yes.  Are we still grieving?  Yes.  The loss of a child is a wound that will leave a big scar.  It's not a scratch.  It is a gaping wound that takes time to heal, and when you feel like you are doing great the grief will hit when you least expect it.  A voice, a sound, or a smell can stir up so many emotions.  Brad is still our child.  He always will be.  There is a part of us that will always miss him.  I think that is normal.

Praise!  For months I couldn't read, but I could listen to preaching and praise!  I believe that the demons of hell can't stand praise.  They run screeching from it!  My song might not always be beautiful, but to God it is, and whether I feel it or not He is always worthy of my praise.  When nothing else works, turn on the praise music.  We were created to praise Him.  Don't let the rocks do your job!  King David praised God in unimaginable circumstances.  He was being chased, hiding in caves, and running for his life.  Certainly, I can praise Him in my circumstances.

Last but not least, we have so much to be thankful for even though we are walking through difficult days.  We have family, friends, and a Savior who loves us.  We have sweet children, a nice home, cars, clothes, food, clean water, and an endless list of other things that many people don't have.  I am thankful for a Christian counselor who lets me spill my guts with no judgement and doctors who have more knowledge than I have on how to handle a mom who is missing her son so much that getting out of the bed seems like too much to ask.  Most importantly we have the hope of an eternity in Heaven at the feet of our Savior and with our son.  For that I am more than grateful.

I love you, friends!  Thank you for walking this path with us.  Thank you for sticking with us through good days and bad days.  Thank you for loving us and showing us Jesus.  We love our crew very much!  We are a blessed family!

                

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
 2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
 6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

 7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
 8 The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 121

A Prayer for Tomorrow (And Really Every Day)

I have been praying for this election for weeks and months.  I know my friends are praying with me.  Of course, I know who I will vote for, but I have been impressed over the last few months that this election isn't just about a new leader.  We can have a change in leadership, but unless the hearts of the people change, a new leader is just a new leader.  

I have tried to stay out of the fray too much, and that is a hard thing for this political junkie.  I have tried to stick to the facts and speak the truth in love when it is appropriate.  Frankly, I have had so much more on my mind than this election, but what is on my mind comes full circle when you look at things in the light of this election, and even more importantly, in the light of eternity.

Our families are in trouble.  Our children are in trouble.  Our nation is in trouble.  There is one reason we are in trouble.  Our nation is turning away from God.  It has been happening for some time, but it seems to be picking up speed and intensity.  When you go through what our family has gone through, you begin to question everything.  We didn't choose this path.  We don't want this path, yet, here we are.  Our family has been immediately impacted by the evil that this world throws at us daily.  The world says that we can dabble in sin and still be fine.  The world is wrong.  The world tells us lies that are subtle and persuasive, but literally, deadly.  Satan is having a field day deceiving Christians with things of this world that eventually leave us discontented and disillusioned. 

On September 11, 2001, our nation was attacked.  I have heard many trains of thoughts about why this happened.  The thoughts range from sheer terrorism to the beginning of God lifting his hand of protection from our country.  As disturbing as these thoughts are, I was more dismayed by the response to 9/11.  Suddenly, we were united,  politics didn't matter, and it was even acceptable to mention God's name on the Capitol steps....for about two whole days.  The main verse we heard over and over from politicians, even Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle on the Senate floor, was out of Isaiah 9.  This passage specifically talks about the judgement of the arrogance of God's people in their response to the fall of Israel.  

Here is a portion of Isaiah 9. 

The Lord has sent a word against Jacob, and it will fall on Israel; and all the people will know,  Ephraim and the inhabitants of Samaria,  who say in pride and in arrogance of heart: “The bricks have fallen,  but we will build with dressed stones; the sycamores have been cut down,  but we will put cedars in their place.” 

When our leaders began to proclaim that we would rebuild, I can't say whether or not they knew what the verse meant that they were quoting, but it was basically a warning against Israel and their prideful, arrogant ways.  Our leaders, possibly unbeknownst to them, were proclaiming a warning over our nation.  The rebuilding the Israelites were referring to in Isaiah 9 was defiant and rebellious.  Instead of falling on their faces before God in repentance they shook their fists in His face.  Sounds familiar doesn't it?  

We can rebuild buildings.  We can fortify security.  We can do everything humanly possible to make ourselves safe and happy, but unless we return on the One who blessed this nation from the beginning, everything we do will be in vain.  2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

This nation needs God.  This nation needs the people of God to be the people of God.  This nation needs to know the love of God.  We have a unique opportunity to show people how much God loves them.  

My prayer for election day is that we will be Spirit led, that we will be humble, that we will be repentant.  My prayer is that God will hear the cries of His people, and in His mercy and grace will continue to use this country as a beacon of light to a lost and dying world.  I pray that people God's people will see the truth, and that any deception will flee in the name of Jesus. I pray that we will vote in a manner that will protect our children from the womb.  I pray that we will vote for freedom.  I pray that God will have his hand on this nation tomorrow as we make a decision that will impact us for years to come.  I pray that the church will rise up and be the church.  I pray that our hearts will be softened to the needs of others, and that we will show, not just tell people of Christ's love, grace, and forgiveness.  

I know that God is not done with this nation.  He has called us and equipped us to be a nation that points other nations to Him.  I pray that we as a people will return to Him and fulfill the purpose He has for each of us.  I pray for the next leader of our country.  I pray that the spirit of God will fall on Him and the people around him like we have never seen.  

I love you my friends!  May His love and grace be apparent in your lives today.   

Eyes on Him

I started this blog last year because a man I highly respect said that all political conservatives should blog.  Being the political creature that I am, I thought, "Well, I don't know much, but I am fairly good at forming and expressing an opinion."  Little did I know that our family would face a tragedy this summer that would rock us to our core.  I haven't felt impressed to publicly write about what we have gone through until now, and I am sure that this will come in waves.  Because we are so close to what I think is a very important election, you will probably see a few posts about politics, but in light of what our family has been through, things that once seemed so important have had to take a back seat.  Instead of this being just a political blog, it will, and already has been, more of a mixture.  I pray that it is God-inspired.  If you read something you take issue with, please let me know.  I am not perfect.  I am just a wife and a mom trying to walk a path that no parent should have to walk while keeping my eyes on a Heavenly Father who has the best interest of His children at heart.

I haven't really been drawn to the blogging world lately, for a myriad of reasons, but today I have been impressed to write a few things down.

As most of you know, on May 21, 2012, we lost our seventeen-year-old son, Brad.  He was our first child.  He was smart, funny, and kind.  He was rowdy, rambunctious, and always the first to try something, especially if it involved a hint of danger.  He had an impish little grin that followed him into his teenage years.  He kept us on our toes.  He had that teenage boy disease that so many boys do, invincibility.  Brad had just finished the 11th grade.  He was enjoying working with his dad for the summer.  He had plans for work and continuing his education, and all too abruptly, those plans came to an end.  The manner is which Brad died was preventable, making this all the more devastating for his family.  For those of you who don't know the details, we have been very open in person, but I won't put them here unless I know it is time because the issues are sensitive, and there are teenagers who might read this.  I would rather their parents talk to them about those issues.  I respect a parent's right to inform their children about certain things in their own time.  

It would take days to tell you everything that I have learned and am still learning.  My main purpose here tonight is to tell you that in the midst of the darkness, in the bottom of the pit, in the wee hours of the morning, when you think you can't take it anymore, there is a God who loves you.  There is a God who comforts.  There is a God who takes ashes and turns them into beauty.  In no way am I saying that I don't struggle.  Like any parent who has traveled this road, I thought that this was a bad dream, but as the days became weeks, I began to realize that I was very much awake and would have to figure out how to traverse the path we call grief while still caring for a family who very much needed me.  I have been angry. I have been overwhelmed with sadness.  I have questioned God.  I have had moments where breathing was all I could do, and even that seemed to be too much to ask.  I still have moments where I feel like I'm going under, but the God who calms the seas has caught me every time, and I know if I keep my eyes on Him, He will continue to do so.  Through these moments, we have had family and friends who have been faithful to be here when we needed them, they have prayed fervently on our behalf, they have mourned with us.  They have fed us and mowed our grass. We are putting one foot in front of the other because of the goodness of God and the prayers of His people.  

I have to take a moment to publicly thank the people who helped make Brad's funeral a service to honor our King.  That includes the musicians, our Pastors, the congregation, and all of the people who were behind the scenes.  Hundreds of people surrounded us on May 24, 2012, to honor our Savior, and to tell Satan that he was not welcome in that sanctuary or around our family.  The fiery darts that he was throwing at our family on that day were intercepted and deflected by the people of God who stood in the gap when we were at our weakest.  We love each and every one of you! I have included the link to Brad's funeral service for those of you who couldn't be there.  I have only watched it once.  It is just too fresh, but I can assure you that the worship and the Word was God-breathed and amazing.  The Lord heard the cries of His people, and He answered.   http://www.crossgates.tv/portfolio/item/brad-scoggins

I have so much running around in my head that wants to get out, but there will be time for that.  My charge to you tonight is to love the people around you with all you have.  Life is but a vapor.  If you are up to your neck in the waves, and you feel like you are drowning, call on the One who created and calms the seas.  He listens.  He loves you.  He answers.  Call on His people.  Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them."  Praise!  Praise!  Praise!  There is nothing that drives the devil crazier than when we praise God even when we don't feel like praising.  Psalm 42:11 says, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."  There are days that I just can't read, but I can listen to music.  I had someone tell me that I wouldn't be able to sing for a while, but for some reason, God has preserved my voice.  It might not always be beautiful, but it is there.  Finally, when you have done all you know to do, stand.  Ephesians 6:13 tells us, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm."  That has been my toughest challenge.  When I have done all I know to do, and I still feel that empty hole in my chest, I tell God, "I am standing here.  Do you see me?"  I know He does, but sometimes, I ask anyway.  Hebrews 12:2 is my focus verse.  "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Eyes on Him.  That's what this is about.  That's really what every day, every good thing, and every trial should be about.  Eyes on the One who endured the cross, so I can one day see my son again.  Eyes on the One who knew the day that Brad would come home to Him, and that our family would change forever.  Eyes on the only One who can save, comfort, and heal.  Eyes on the One who has forever conquered the grave!  Here are the words to one of my favorite songs.  Someday soon, we will sing this in His presence.  I, for one, can't wait!

1. “Man of Sorrows!” what a name
   For the Son of God, who came
   Ruined sinners to reclaim.
   Hallelujah! What a Savior!
2. Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
   In my place condemned He stood;
   Sealed my pardon with His blood.
   Hallelujah! What a Savior!
3. Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
   Spotless Lamb of God was He;
   “Full atonement!” can it be?
   Hallelujah! What a Savior!
4. Lifted up was He to die;
   “It is finished!” was His cry;
   Now in Heav’n exalted high.
   Hallelujah! What a Savior!
5. When He comes, our glorious King,
   All His ransomed home to bring,
   Then anew His song we’ll sing:
   Hallelujah! What a Savior!
6. -Philip Bliss