I Am Not Alone

As most of you know today marks the second anniversary of our son Brad's heavenly home going.  Today is the last day that we saw his smiling face.  I was afraid for so long that his face would fade from my memory, but it hasn't.  It won't.   No matter how you phrase it we are still in the process of grieving and healing.  Mother's Day of 2013 was fine.  Mother's Day of 2014 wasn't.  I have come to believe that grief is an odd phenomenon.  It manifests at different times and in different ways for all of us who have experienced the death of a loved one.

This past year has included some uphill struggles for us.  I think that is very normal.  As time stretches on the nature of the struggles change, but they are still present.  I went back to work for a little while, but the 12-plus-hour shifts were more than I was ready to tackle, so I went back to school to keep my brain working.  It was very bothersome not to be up to working in my unit.  I fit well there.  I love the work, but my body was just too tired to handle it.  I had to embrace my new limit, and I am not sure I did it well.  I miss my unit.  I am thinking it is about time to go back to work, but I wonder if I can hold up to the pressures of my job.

I am still learning during this process.   I have been following closely the ministry of Rick and Kay Warren.  I realize that there are some of you who might not care for them, but their ministry through their very public time of grief has touched me.  Kay wrote an article recently that beautifully put into words what we feel as life moves on.  For the full article click here. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/march-web-only/kay-warren-grieving-mental-illness-suicide-saddleback.html?paging=off  They were approaching the one-year mark of the death of their son, and much to their surprise people who they counted as friends were telling them they should be ready to "move on."  The comments made her question whether or not she was "grieving well" and wounded her deeply.  She admitted that while they were moving forward they sometimes took steps back.  Their friends wanted the old Rick and Kay back, and to that she said, "They are gone."  I think we understand that all too well.  Here are a few lines from Kay's article that resonated with me:

"The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”"

I have seen the truest friends and "helpers."  I don't have one true friend who has made me feel like I was a failure if I was having a tough day.  The few that have mean well, but they are also outer edge acquaintances who were just trying to help.  Sometimes it is hard to know what to say to a grieving parent, so I hope we have given grace in those moments.  Our true friends have just loved us and cried with us.  They would be here right this minute it we needed them.  We will never be the same again, and our friends "get" that.  They have been ok with our mess and continue to show us great mercy!  For that we are forever thankful.  

Reed graduated from high school Sunday, and we are so proud of him.  He has turned into a solid, kind, wise young man.  We are so proud of him!  But it was just another day for which his brother was not there.  Those days are just gut wrenching.  You are so happy for your son, but you can't help but miss the one who should have walked across that stage the previous year.  I know that his brother and sister are missing him too.  

I write this on a balcony overlooking a gorgeous beach this morning as the girls are sleeping.  Spencer and Reed are in the car headed down here to join us for a few days.  It is not lost on me that the friend Julianne chose to bring with her has walked her own road of grief.  Her mother passed away when she was young.  Her dad remarried a beautiful woman who has taken his kids in like they were hers, and I honor her for that.  On the way to the beach she said the me, "Mrs. Kristin, you want to hear my favorite song that I want to sing in church if the old people won't get mad?"  Of course I wanted to!  She plugged in my iPhone and pulled up "Oceans" by Hillsong United. Here is part of what she sang: 

     "Your grace abounds in deepest waters

       Your sovereign hand will be my guide

        Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

         You never failed and you won't start now"   

I listened to this child who had buried her mom sing this song to me and cried.  She sang to me what I needed to hear, but I'm not sure she fully realized how God was using her and will use her in the future to minister to other girls in her situation.  I told her to sing the song.  The old people can deal.  This child is truly an example of God's grace and healing power.  She is blooming.  She is joyful.  Isn't that the way God works?

The past year has been a roller coaster containing a lot of peaks and valleys that sometimes came flying at us way too fast, but it has been yet another year where our Father has been found faithful even though we are still in the midst of the storm.  He was faithful even when we were not.  Storms have different durations, and I wake up every day hoping our storm has passed.  Some days it has, but then there are those days where the clouds come rolling back in.  Even then, our God is faithful.  So are our friends.  

I have a new song that I love.  I have been listening to it for weeks.  If you get a minute I would buy this song and download it.  I can't find a clip of Kari singing it because it is so new, but here are some of the lyrics that speak:

                                                  
                                                "In the midst of deep sorrow

 I see your light is breaking through

 The dark night will not over take me

I am pressing into you

Lord you fight my every battle

And I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me"

What a promise that in the midst of the deep sorrows, the dark nights, the overwhelming floods, and the scorching fires our God goes before us.  He makes a way where we think there is no way.  He fights our battles for us.  Isaiah 59:19 says, "When the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him."  A standard in the Bible was a banner that was carried at the front point of a military band to indicate the rallying point.  The Lord promises to be our rallying point against our enemies.  I can't think of a better banner lifter.  Can you?  Sometimes we don't have the energy to lift that banner, but He always does.  

We are still here, friends.  We are still broken, but we are mending.  We love you all and are so thankful for your unwavering support.  We are very thankful and so very humbled to have such gracious friends who have come beside us and loved us even when we weren't pretty!  

Much love and grace to you from the Scoggins crew!