One Year Later

As most of you know our son, Brad, passed away one year ago this evening.  I have spent the last few days dreading today.  There is no road map for grief.  There is no time frame for healing.  I decided busy would be best, so we planned on going to a theme park, get out of town for a few days, and spend some time with family.  The park was closed, so I took a trip to the Delta with my mom and sisters.  Reed went to work with Spencer.  All in all it was a fairly calm day, and I think Brad would have wanted that.  We remembered him today like we remember him every day.  We missed him today like we miss him every day.  After a full day I am curled up behind my computer with all these memories running through my head.  I am thankful for the memories.  I am thankful that every time I think of him I see his smile.

A year seems like eternity when you miss someone you love, yet I know that in short time a year will seem like a minute.  I am super tired, but I felt compelled to write down a few things.

"Thank You" to my friends and family.  I love you all.  Our family is where we are today because of God's grace and because of the people who have stood beside us this past year.  We couldn't have made it without you, and "thank you" doesn't scratch the surface of the outpouring of love we have received.

There are so many things I don't understand.  I am making peace with the fact that I might not understand certain things this side of Heaven, but there are a few things that have been cemented in my spirit and soul over this last year.  God is good.  He really is good.  He loves us.  He loves you.  God is bigger than I ever knew!  He has shown himself so faithful to us during this journey.  He is faithful, always!  He never leaves us.

I am more convinced than ever that we fight an enemy who won't stop, so we have to be ready to fight.  Passive doesn't work where Satan is concerned.   It will take an all out war to save this generation.  I know that my God is up for this fight, and we need to be ready, prayed up, read up, and armored up at all times.

God has a plan for our family.  Some days it is one step, one breath, one minute at a time.  It seems like I am following blindly some days, but I am confident that He has a plan for us.  He will see it through.  He will complete it.  If you see any hint of this in me, it is God.  Behind closed doors I have my moments like any mom would.

I am learning that grief and healing are not two separate things.  Are we healing?  Yes.  Are we still grieving?  Yes.  The loss of a child is a wound that will leave a big scar.  It's not a scratch.  It is a gaping wound that takes time to heal, and when you feel like you are doing great the grief will hit when you least expect it.  A voice, a sound, or a smell can stir up so many emotions.  Brad is still our child.  He always will be.  There is a part of us that will always miss him.  I think that is normal.

Praise!  For months I couldn't read, but I could listen to preaching and praise!  I believe that the demons of hell can't stand praise.  They run screeching from it!  My song might not always be beautiful, but to God it is, and whether I feel it or not He is always worthy of my praise.  When nothing else works, turn on the praise music.  We were created to praise Him.  Don't let the rocks do your job!  King David praised God in unimaginable circumstances.  He was being chased, hiding in caves, and running for his life.  Certainly, I can praise Him in my circumstances.

Last but not least, we have so much to be thankful for even though we are walking through difficult days.  We have family, friends, and a Savior who loves us.  We have sweet children, a nice home, cars, clothes, food, clean water, and an endless list of other things that many people don't have.  I am thankful for a Christian counselor who lets me spill my guts with no judgement and doctors who have more knowledge than I have on how to handle a mom who is missing her son so much that getting out of the bed seems like too much to ask.  Most importantly we have the hope of an eternity in Heaven at the feet of our Savior and with our son.  For that I am more than grateful.

I love you, friends!  Thank you for walking this path with us.  Thank you for sticking with us through good days and bad days.  Thank you for loving us and showing us Jesus.  We love our crew very much!  We are a blessed family!

                

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
 2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
 6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

 7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
 8 The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 121